get in touch
No. 143
April 18th, 2007

Stephen Colbert: The Greatest Living American

Here on the eve of the 232nd anniversary of the start of the American Revolution (seriously, see for for yourself), what more fitting way to pay tribute to the patriotism of our forefathers than to honor The Greatest Living American of our own time, Stephen Colbert.

O Great Cultural Sage, Creator of the indefatigable Tek Jansen, and inspiration to ornithological caregivers worldwide, your dialectic machismo is rivaled only by the self-assured hauteur of John McLaughlin, and of course your idol, Papa Bear. You bring immense glory to the flag you stand so confidently in front of at the top of every show.

California’s 50th District may be dead to you, sir, but I assure you that further up the coastline, even in this mis-directed bastion of socialism I call home (the Bay Area), you remain an inspiration to God-fearing Golden State residents far and wide. Your fans here in Alaska’s Guatemala are as loyal here as they are anywhere across the great Colbert Nation.

How shall we undertake this critical display of nationalism, one that ought reflect the ingenuity of our society?

1) Rename the Philadelphia Eagles’ mascot (SWOOP) to AIR COLBERT.
Problem: Too much bureaucracy in the NFL’s front office for this to happen anytime soon.

“SWOOP” — overdue for a name (and color) change!

2) Inundate Michael Griffin with letters demanding he grant Stephen his long-desired astronaut’s license.
PROBLEM: Swamping NASA with thousands of written requests would be harmful to our environment.

3) SOLUTION: Get Stephen Colbert’s homepage to rank #1 for “Greatest Living American.”
Bloggers everywhere across America: I implore you, let us bomb Google with the same alacrity and enthusiasm with which our intrepid Commander-In-Chief so valiantly bombed in the name of our national security. The web may indeed be a “coward’s tool,” but for once let us cowards rise together and use that tool for the common good. Let us give Stephen Colbert the title (tag) he so richly deserves as Greatest Living American. To your dashboards!

–Posted anonymously on this blog by “Deep Throat Link”